I didnt even dare to open yk comment box. haiz. idon wan noe wat she rite i m riting here. cos i gues sometings i donn wan to noe as well. tings that i have exxagerated i don dare to tink. bt they seem to come floating , i m sick. i noe i ncnt fin revision, jus trying to brace myself bt my life is in a total mess. TOTAL. i kp tinking of tings i don wan tink. the lies i have said or js out of exaggeration all Float into my mind. i m perturbed by the truth. Rmbred wat i rd in des blog. The person u cnt lie to is the one u see upon the mirror. u cnt lie. cos uu noe fully well that all those lies are lies.Haiz. i didnt wan to bejave in this amnner. bt some how i have already accustomed to this way ofliving and its like its so embedded into me that it ahs already bcome part of me. Part of wat i ahve to eb. a normal instinct. its like my basiic Intinct is already automatically tuned to A.A. its jus as bad as amanda, i noe. bt i cnt control it animore. I m a freak. yea. kal me tat.

I guess

O god. i m sick. i reli am. i donnoe how to face it anymore. i don wan a fren like tt. i wan a fren tt reli caRES when i m sick. not jus in mi gossip or wat. i nd a fren tt truely care for mi well being n not on the latest story tt i have to cook up. to interest the person or wat. i reli nd someone tt cares even bout boring old complaints like homework. i noe in term of homework, nnobody cn really help u if u choose not to help urselves. bt then it is like the WORLD crashes when u jus realise tt u made a fren tt oni is so called close to u bcos the person want to have ur latest gossip n story tt u cn spin off ur mouth, n yearn for the frens u once have had. Its reli stoopid./Between him n me. we have nuthing. One surface we have seemed to share mani things alredi. Like erm he told me a lot of his WORES tt he told no others. I appreciate him in treating me as someone trustworthy enuf to tell to. Bt when its mi turn to WOE out, he normally gib no reactions. n then sae tt hes tinking. DAMN it. n the worST thing is i stil try to carry on sucking up to him. LAO eh.

I alwaes try to lie to like pretend tt i ahev alot of tins to tok to him. actuali is we ahve no common issue. its jus tt we both DO try to fake sth out. ESP me. i do mi best to spin tales tt r both real n unreal to attract his attention. LAO. We cnt last if the foundation we lie on is a pack of lies. complete utter lies. NOt reli all. bt still sufficient to make me sink in shame.

N the most main pt is. i found tt we cnt communicate bout each other DER Bu hao points. the mometn i tell him, he sort of gt emo n angry or wat. he cnt accoept. it. n he don dare to sae aniothing to me. then r we considered transcend boundaries. N''O! Sigh. since we cnt transcend this stage, n we don ahev anymuch common topic, n tt we also cnnt have the frens WARMTH. i guess its beta i drift awae. the ting is i cnt. i m frightened of not toking to him completely. i sort of tink hes asian man. he cnt std pple emo-ing arnd him . i kind of wanna loosen mi griop. yet don dare. I don noe. i wan to throw in e towel. yet i m frightened of the consequences of throwing in e towel . I don wan to lie animor. i m sick of opening msn everytime to hope tt he is there. RELi. i jus wan to be free. its eating in to my heart. its making so pressuriSED. EVERYDAY. i m living in presssure n FEAR> i gt irritated n EMO easily. i gt short circuited. i toooo overly paranoid. I M SICK> haiZ. n the worst tinG is no ohter CRUSH gave me tt feeling. the WORS Twas GJ. bt we oni sort of Talked like once a wk so itsss like okau.
N i tink he sort of using me. everytime we tok, we speak to each other in suan-ing tones. SIan diao. meebee tt e wae we cn oni communicate effectivley.. bt i m gting more n more TIRED of commmunicating in thiWAE. i m sick tt we cnt speak properly at all. i m sick tt i m jsu a form of entnertainment. i m eeee MOST sick tt despite everything, i stil don dare to losssen the grip of ho\im.

jj